（Introduction ）： Long ago there was a crazy country, in this crazy country there were some crazy people, trying to show the crazy history by crazy ways. Mr Jingke was the most famous swordsman and was sent to kill king of Qing, “Yingzheng”. But finally he failed. Do you want to know what happened at that time? Okay, next show will tell you the truth.
第一幕
太子丹（上，掏出镜子梳头，做自恋状）：
Mirror, mirror, tell me, who is the most pretty man in the world?
镜子：It was you, Prince Dan!
太子丹高兴状) Thank u mirror! （面对观众）I’m Prince Dan, the magic mirror said I am the most attractive man in the world.
镜：no no , that’s a mistake.now the most pretty man is yingzheng , my hero！
丹：what ？you are my mirror，not his.(摔镜子，镜子下) Where is my servant?
阿三(毕恭毕敬) : I am coming，my king.
太子丹：I’ve told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful、graceful 、handsome 、charming 、cute 、smart and dearest Prince Dan”!
阿三：yes, my king!
丹the magic mirror said that yingzheng is more handsome than me.i can’t accept it，So what can I do? 三：I have a good idea. We can find a hero to kill him~~~（作杀状）
太子：enen~ good idea. What is the most expensive commodity in this century? Talent!（二十一世纪最需要的是什么，人才！这句话要跟观众交流，最好由观众来回答，然后拍阿三肩膀，做赞许状） Good job! But who is the right person?
阿三： I have two promising persons on hand. One is Miss LiMoChou, the other is Mr JinKe. I heared that Tomorrow they will PK for the NO1 killer of the world.
太子：Well, show me the winner as soon as possible, OK?
阿三：Yes,sir. （都下）
第二幕（决斗音乐）
荆轲（带剑冲向李，又突然停住）Are you Li mochou?
李莫愁Yes.
荆轲Are you really Li mochou?
李莫愁shut up，just come on
荆轲Are you sure you are really the Li mochou in the story （named 神雕侠侣）?
李莫愁(不耐烦)what a boring man！how dare you ask me such a stupid question?
荆轲(环视四周见无一人，扑通跪在李面前，大哭) ：my hero,I admire you just like the yellow river,never endless. I have eighty years old mother up,three years old boy down.please don’t kill me,please! 李莫愁(大怒) ：I thought jingke is a hero.but you actually beg for life.how can I forgive you?give me your life!(举剑刺向荆轲，忽然，捂住自己的肚子，自语)maybe I eta too much this moring,maybe there is something wrong with the rice.*(抬头)hey,where is the toilet?
荆轲：t-o-i-l-e-t-?
李莫愁:WC!
荆轲：W-C-?
李莫愁(急) ：茅厕！！非逼我说汉语。
荆轲：I know I know.turn left ,left and left—
李下。
太子丹与阿三上。
阿三（举起荆轲的手）：congratulations ，you,are the NO.1,the best person.
太子丹（抱拳）：How do you do?
荆柯：How do you do,too?
太子丹（毕恭毕敬）May I have your name card, please?
荆轲从兜里掏出一卷纸，上面写着： To be or not to be, that's a question.
太子丹: To be or not to be, that's a question. What’s the meaning?(问阿三)do you know?
阿三（冲太子丹做“看我的”动作，转向荆轲）
阿三：Hero ，we need your help.
荆柯：I am busy now!
阿三：You can get a lot of money.
荆柯：I am very busy now!
阿三：IC, ID, IQ card?
荆柯：I am very very busy now!
阿三：（冲观众）I must use the last way.(打响指)ladies and gentlemen.(音乐：超越梦想)welcome super girl ,miss feng----美女上
太子丹(手指上场的美女，激动状): Look! She is the most beautiful girl in the world. If you say O.K., she is yours.
荆柯（流口水）：I have to say she is a very sexy and beautiful girl, TCM is my only love!
阿三：What? What’s the really TCM?
荆柯; Hey, guy! You look so smart but why you didn’t know TCM? Any of them can give you the answer.
阿三：Excuse me? What’s the TCM?
美女：you are out ,TCM is Traditional Chinese MM .
太子丹：do you want her?
荆柯（大点头）：yes yes,of course.
美女：do you love me?
荆柯（激动）：yes yes
美女：I also like you,my hero.
荆柯（激动）:oh,come here,baby
(荆轲意图奔过去，太子丹伸手拦住，荆轲一直盯着美女)
太子丹：no no,wait.if you want her go with you,you must help me
荆柯(诚恳状) say what should I do? I will do anything for you.(又盯美女)
（荆轲与美女下）
丹(冲阿三) ：good job
丹和阿三击掌：Yeah! （两人下）
第三幕
荆珂挽着妻子，太子丹, 阿三在后.
阿三：Hero, we have already reached Yishui River.
荆珂：Just stop here, please.
太子丹：I will miss you,hero.fighting!
荆珂:fighting!
（太子丹，阿三下。停顿。《泰坦尼克号》主题曲起，荆轲与妻子做Jack 和rose 在船头的经典造型，忽然荆轲看到一个美女——此时一个中国古典美女经过，向荆轲抛媚眼，荆轲高兴的盯着美女看，妻子发觉不对，扭过头来。）
荆珂（急忙收敛）：Darling, I love you.
妻子：I love you,too! You mean everything to me!
荆珂(流泪) ：I love you forever. But I’m scared…..
妻子：Well. Be a man, just do it! I will be right here waiting for you.
荆珂（欲走还留，执子之手又曰）：Sweetheart! You must do me this honor... promise me you will survive... that you will never give up... no matter what happens... no matter how hopeless... promise me now, and never let go of that promise（泰坦尼克号沉船时，Jack 对Rose 的倾诉）.
妻子:"I promise."
荆轲:"Never let go. “
妻子:"I promise. I will never let go, KE. I'll never let go."
（荆轲的发音和jack 很像，所以加了一些《泰坦尼克号》的台词。）
妻子努力挤出几滴眼泪，荆珂上船，渐渐远去
妻子：It’s a good day to die. Never come back. Never…… Never……As soon as I get the life assurance $1000, 000, I will travel around the world, hoho…
第四幕：murdering (刺秦).
一士兵跑在前，一士兵随其后，跑了一圈，便上气不接下气。
士兵甲（掏出手机一看）：Hey, bad luck. I am late. The bonus of this month has been lost. 士兵乙：I am tired. I had been chatting on QQ until 1 o’ clock last night.
秦王上座，两个士兵各站一边。士兵甲：“Can we begin？”秦王“begin ”
士兵甲：“Let the people of Yan， Jingke come in”荆柯上。跪下，吓得直发抖。
秦王：“Jingke. What’s wrong with you？”
荆柯：“Nothing. Nothing. May be there are lots of fleas on my body “.
秦王（不烦）：What ’s the good things， quickly ！”
荆柯献图，图穷匕首见，荆柯举刀刺秦，（音乐响起）秦王摔倒，转身逃跑，其他人抱头趴在地上。 两个人围着大臣兜圈，过了一会儿„„
士兵乙喊道：“Mr King, catch it quickly!”扔棍子，秦王接住，顿时将荆柯打倒在地。
秦王:Super rubbish,shit,fuck you…. how dare you kill me?
荆柯:I'm sorry I'm wrong But the prince of Yan told me to。 Please forgive me!
秦王：You will never live again. What would you like to say at last?
荆柯：My lovely lady， Once there was a truest love put before my eyes ,but I didn't cherish it. Only after losing it .I found myself regretting. No pains in the world comes near this, if God Could give me another chance, I would say to the girl “I love you! “If there had to be a limit of time before the end of love. I hope it would be ten thousand years(有看过周星驰月光宝盒的就知道啥意思）.
秦王（吼道）：Soldiers carry out and put the pig head on the wall!!
第五幕：Escape （逃跑）
二个卫兵拖着荆柯上，（手脚以被绑）将荆柯扔到一边。二人气喘吁吁，甲搜身。
士兵甲：Bad luck. He has no money.
士兵乙：Money?? You are joking! I have searched all his body, just two socks.
士兵甲:What?? Two socks?士兵乙:Nothing. Nothing. (回头)Too poor.
士兵甲:Put the socks out.
士兵乙L 极不情愿，拿出了一双大小不一的袜子
士兵甲看了看，比了比。将长的装进了自己兜里，短的扔给了士兵乙。
士兵乙： (两人互看)Oh,no.It ’s unfair.
(两士兵扯起袜子来) “the longer is mine.”“no,it ’s mine”。。。。。。（自己编词，吵起来就好） 荆柯（抬起头）：I will give you much more money if you set me free.
士卫兵：Really? Where is the money?
荆柯指了指脚上的绳子。二卫兵会意，解开了绳子。
荆柯（站起来）：My brothers, I have a good idea. If you do it,you will get lots of money.
士卫兵：Oh,please tell it to us!
荆柯:You can tie another person instead of me to put to death. Only the king recognizes me but he won ’t watch my death. So no one will find out the secret.
二士兵：Good idea!!(竖指)
荆柯从手袖里掏出￥100，递给士兵，然后大步离去。 二士兵（双目相视，大笑，同声）：Good!! 两士兵满意的勾肩搭背的奸笑着。。。走下。 荆轲潇洒的浪迹天涯去了。。。。走下
(音乐大笑江湖起)
------------落幕------------
（Introduction ）： Long ago there was a crazy country, in this crazy country there were some crazy people, trying to show the crazy history by crazy ways. Mr Jingke was the most famous swordsman and was sent to kill king of Qing, “Yingzheng”. But finally he failed. Do you want to know what happened at that time? Okay, next show will tell you the truth.
第一幕
太子丹（上，掏出镜子梳头，做自恋状）：
Mirror, mirror, tell me, who is the most pretty man in the world?
镜子：It was you, Prince Dan!
太子丹高兴状) Thank u mirror! （面对观众）I’m Prince Dan, the magic mirror said I am the most attractive man in the world.
镜：no no , that’s a mistake.now the most pretty man is yingzheng , my hero！
丹：what ？you are my mirror，not his.(摔镜子，镜子下) Where is my servant?
阿三(毕恭毕敬) : I am coming，my king.
太子丹：I’ve told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful、graceful 、handsome 、charming 、cute 、smart and dearest Prince Dan”!
阿三：yes, my king!
丹the magic mirror said that yingzheng is more handsome than me.i can’t accept it，So what can I do? 三：I have a good idea. We can find a hero to kill him~~~（作杀状）
太子：enen~ good idea. What is the most expensive commodity in this century? Talent!（二十一世纪最需要的是什么，人才！这句话要跟观众交流，最好由观众来回答，然后拍阿三肩膀，做赞许状） Good job! But who is the right person?
阿三： I have two promising persons on hand. One is Miss LiMoChou, the other is Mr JinKe. I heared that Tomorrow they will PK for the NO1 killer of the world.
太子：Well, show me the winner as soon as possible, OK?
阿三：Yes,sir. （都下）
第二幕（决斗音乐）
荆轲（带剑冲向李，又突然停住）Are you Li mochou?
李莫愁Yes.
荆轲Are you really Li mochou?
李莫愁shut up，just come on
荆轲Are you sure you are really the Li mochou in the story （named 神雕侠侣）?
李莫愁(不耐烦)what a boring man！how dare you ask me such a stupid question?
荆轲(环视四周见无一人，扑通跪在李面前，大哭) ：my hero,I admire you just like the yellow river,never endless. I have eighty years old mother up,three years old boy down.please don’t kill me,please! 李莫愁(大怒) ：I thought jingke is a hero.but you actually beg for life.how can I forgive you?give me your life!(举剑刺向荆轲，忽然，捂住自己的肚子，自语)maybe I eta too much this moring,maybe there is something wrong with the rice.*(抬头)hey,where is the toilet?
荆轲：t-o-i-l-e-t-?
李莫愁:WC!
荆轲：W-C-?
李莫愁(急) ：茅厕！！非逼我说汉语。
荆轲：I know I know.turn left ,left and left—
李下。
太子丹与阿三上。
阿三（举起荆轲的手）：congratulations ，you,are the NO.1,the best person.
太子丹（抱拳）：How do you do?
荆柯：How do you do,too?
太子丹（毕恭毕敬）May I have your name card, please?
荆轲从兜里掏出一卷纸，上面写着： To be or not to be, that's a question.
太子丹: To be or not to be, that's a question. What’s the meaning?(问阿三)do you know?
阿三（冲太子丹做“看我的”动作，转向荆轲）
阿三：Hero ，we need your help.
荆柯：I am busy now!
阿三：You can get a lot of money.
荆柯：I am very busy now!
阿三：IC, ID, IQ card?
荆柯：I am very very busy now!
阿三：（冲观众）I must use the last way.(打响指)ladies and gentlemen.(音乐：超越梦想)welcome super girl ,miss feng----美女上
太子丹(手指上场的美女，激动状): Look! She is the most beautiful girl in the world. If you say O.K., she is yours.
荆柯（流口水）：I have to say she is a very sexy and beautiful girl, TCM is my only love!
阿三：What? What’s the really TCM?
荆柯; Hey, guy! You look so smart but why you didn’t know TCM? Any of them can give you the answer.
阿三：Excuse me? What’s the TCM?
美女：you are out ,TCM is Traditional Chinese MM .
太子丹：do you want her?
荆柯（大点头）：yes yes,of course.
美女：do you love me?
荆柯（激动）：yes yes
美女：I also like you,my hero.
荆柯（激动）:oh,come here,baby
(荆轲意图奔过去，太子丹伸手拦住，荆轲一直盯着美女)
太子丹：no no,wait.if you want her go with you,you must help me
荆柯(诚恳状) say what should I do? I will do anything for you.(又盯美女)
（荆轲与美女下）
丹(冲阿三) ：good job
丹和阿三击掌：Yeah! （两人下）
第三幕
荆珂挽着妻子，太子丹, 阿三在后.
阿三：Hero, we have already reached Yishui River.
荆珂：Just stop here, please.
太子丹：I will miss you,hero.fighting!
荆珂:fighting!
（太子丹，阿三下。停顿。《泰坦尼克号》主题曲起，荆轲与妻子做Jack 和rose 在船头的经典造型，忽然荆轲看到一个美女——此时一个中国古典美女经过，向荆轲抛媚眼，荆轲高兴的盯着美女看，妻子发觉不对，扭过头来。）
荆珂（急忙收敛）：Darling, I love you.
妻子：I love you,too! You mean everything to me!
荆珂(流泪) ：I love you forever. But I’m scared…..
妻子：Well. Be a man, just do it! I will be right here waiting for you.
荆珂（欲走还留，执子之手又曰）：Sweetheart! You must do me this honor... promise me you will survive... that you will never give up... no matter what happens... no matter how hopeless... promise me now, and never let go of that promise（泰坦尼克号沉船时，Jack 对Rose 的倾诉）.
妻子:"I promise."
荆轲:"Never let go. “
妻子:"I promise. I will never let go, KE. I'll never let go."
（荆轲的发音和jack 很像，所以加了一些《泰坦尼克号》的台词。）
妻子努力挤出几滴眼泪，荆珂上船，渐渐远去
妻子：It’s a good day to die. Never come back. Never…… Never……As soon as I get the life assurance $1000, 000, I will travel around the world, hoho…
第四幕：murdering (刺秦).
一士兵跑在前，一士兵随其后，跑了一圈，便上气不接下气。
士兵甲（掏出手机一看）：Hey, bad luck. I am late. The bonus of this month has been lost. 士兵乙：I am tired. I had been chatting on QQ until 1 o’ clock last night.
秦王上座，两个士兵各站一边。士兵甲：“Can we begin？”秦王“begin ”
士兵甲：“Let the people of Yan， Jingke come in”荆柯上。跪下，吓得直发抖。
秦王：“Jingke. What’s wrong with you？”
荆柯：“Nothing. Nothing. May be there are lots of fleas on my body “.
秦王（不烦）：What ’s the good things， quickly ！”
荆柯献图，图穷匕首见，荆柯举刀刺秦，（音乐响起）秦王摔倒，转身逃跑，其他人抱头趴在地上。 两个人围着大臣兜圈，过了一会儿„„
士兵乙喊道：“Mr King, catch it quickly!”扔棍子，秦王接住，顿时将荆柯打倒在地。
秦王:Super rubbish,shit,fuck you…. how dare you kill me?
荆柯:I'm sorry I'm wrong But the prince of Yan told me to。 Please forgive me!
秦王：You will never live again. What would you like to say at last?
荆柯：My lovely lady， Once there was a truest love put before my eyes ,but I didn't cherish it. Only after losing it .I found myself regretting. No pains in the world comes near this, if God Could give me another chance, I would say to the girl “I love you! “If there had to be a limit of time before the end of love. I hope it would be ten thousand years(有看过周星驰月光宝盒的就知道啥意思）.
秦王（吼道）：Soldiers carry out and put the pig head on the wall!!
第五幕：Escape （逃跑）
二个卫兵拖着荆柯上，（手脚以被绑）将荆柯扔到一边。二人气喘吁吁，甲搜身。
士兵甲：Bad luck. He has no money.
士兵乙：Money?? You are joking! I have searched all his body, just two socks.
士兵甲:What?? Two socks?士兵乙:Nothing. Nothing. (回头)Too poor.
士兵甲:Put the socks out.
士兵乙L 极不情愿，拿出了一双大小不一的袜子
士兵甲看了看，比了比。将长的装进了自己兜里，短的扔给了士兵乙。
士兵乙： (两人互看)Oh,no.It ’s unfair.
(两士兵扯起袜子来) “the longer is mine.”“no,it ’s mine”。。。。。。（自己编词，吵起来就好） 荆柯（抬起头）：I will give you much more money if you set me free.
士卫兵：Really? Where is the money?
荆柯指了指脚上的绳子。二卫兵会意，解开了绳子。
荆柯（站起来）：My brothers, I have a good idea. If you do it,you will get lots of money.
士卫兵：Oh,please tell it to us!
荆柯:You can tie another person instead of me to put to death. Only the king recognizes me but he won ’t watch my death. So no one will find out the secret.
二士兵：Good idea!!(竖指)
荆柯从手袖里掏出￥100，递给士兵，然后大步离去。 二士兵（双目相视，大笑，同声）：Good!! 两士兵满意的勾肩搭背的奸笑着。。。走下。 荆轲潇洒的浪迹天涯去了。。。。走下
(音乐大笑江湖起)
------------落幕------------